Speaking Tree

A Letter to God In Two Acts





A Letter to God In Two Acts

I look forward to reading this column each morning written by highly erudite persons and feel awed and humble in front of their immense academic and spiritual knowledge. It makes me only too aware of my inadequacies as I fumble and struggle to understand life. I have often wanted to write to you and express my thoughts but I wonder if you will read my simple words written in all humility - after all you are occupied with the whole universe, and who am I? I thought  may be an open letter might reach you, and in expressing my thoughts some of the confusion and perplexities of daily living might unfurl themselves and flee from within.


Several times in the past few years I thought I had found the path to your door and as I thought you were about to unlatch the bolt and encourage me to enter, it closed on me and suddenly I felt bereft, especially when I knew I was so close to being with you and you would finally unravel all the mysteries of life. I thought I had found you and then lost you again. I know that you are here-there-some-where nearby. I can only presume that admission for entry to your home is restricted for the deserving and therefore I can only accept that I have not fulfilled the responsibilities you have thrust one me, but when will they end?


I must admit that at times I get very tired when you place obstructions and impediments in front of me. There is no doubt that you are testing my moral strength and at times I become overcome by weakness, anger and rebellion and feel that it is unfair to constantly put me under such stress and strain. When I achieve what I thought was impossible after a great deal of struggle, I think, "Now He will be pleased with me and welcome me". But when all is peaceful, the sun is shining, and I think I can now rest on my laurels, another obstacle is placed before me. I desperately plead that it is enough. I can take no more, and yet there is no other alternative but to continue the battle of life and struggle.


When will it be enough? You are a very hard taskmaster.


I must admit and I am grateful that you have always provided me with the strength to overcome the struggles of life, but when will it end? Sometimes I do feel very tired and dejected.


Relationships are not easy, and often they disturb and cause a good deal of emotional pain and I realise that I should follow the words of the Gita and 'let go' - may be just observe from a distance, remain aloof and not get too involved. I promise myself to do that and then I forget. Is that why you are disappointed in me and continue with your testing as I have not proved myself worthy to be with you?


Death is part of life and thus we should not be too pained by it, but still when it takes away the young and innocent and leaves behind the old and suffering, it is very difficult to accept. It took me a long time to learn acceptance especially after my son's death, although I know he is safe with you. You must have loved him very much to have given him to me for only twenty-eight years, but his memories I shall cherish always, and although I miss him at times with great intensity, I am grateful that You gave him to us even for such a short time.


At times I feel your presence deeply especially when I sit quietly in the garden after my early morning walk and revel in the beauty of nature - I know You are there and yet You are also not there because I want more - may be I am getting greedy.


Just this morning I accidentally discovered these thoughts which had remained in obscurity in my computer for two years. It amazes me that even as I read through the piece, some answers have revealed themselves to me.


Three months ago my husband found his peace after suffering months of agonising pain. He fought a losing battle against lung cancer. Even though I had implored you to open your door to me much earlier, you had barred me entry. Now I understand and send my humble gratitude for denying me admission. It was necessary for me to remain here to surround my husband with my physical and emotional strength to assist him in his long suffering. You provided me with strength both physical and emotional, which I did not know I possessed, to tend to his very need. Now he is safe with you. Have I thus completed my duties?




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