to God In Two Acts
I look forward to reading this column
each morning written by highly erudite persons and feel awed
and humble in front of their immense academic and spiritual
knowledge. It makes me only too aware of my inadequacies as I
fumble and struggle to understand life. I have often wanted to
write to you and express my thoughts but I wonder if you will
read my simple words written in all humility - after all you
are occupied with the whole universe, and who am I? I thought
may be an open letter might reach you, and in expressing my
thoughts some of the confusion and perplexities of daily
living might unfurl themselves and flee from within.
Several times in the past few years I
thought I had found the path to your door and as I thought you
were about to unlatch the bolt and encourage me to enter, it
closed on me and suddenly I felt bereft, especially when I
knew I was so close to being with you and you would finally
unravel all the mysteries of life. I thought I had found you
and then lost you again. I know that you are
here-there-some-where nearby. I can only presume that
admission for entry to your home is restricted for the
deserving and therefore I can only accept that I have not
fulfilled the responsibilities you have thrust one me, but
when will they end?
I must admit that at times I get very
tired when you place obstructions and impediments in front of
me. There is no doubt that you are testing my moral strength
and at times I become overcome by weakness, anger and
rebellion and feel that it is unfair to constantly put me
under such stress and strain. When I achieve what I thought
was impossible after a great deal of struggle, I think, "Now
He will be pleased with me and welcome me". But when all is
peaceful, the sun is shining, and I think I can now rest on my
laurels, another obstacle is placed before me. I desperately
plead that it is enough. I can take no more, and yet there is
no other alternative but to continue the battle of life and
When will it be enough? You are a very
I must admit and I am grateful that you
have always provided me with the strength to overcome the
struggles of life, but when will it end? Sometimes I do feel
very tired and dejected.
Relationships are not easy, and often
they disturb and cause a good deal of emotional pain and I
realise that I should follow the
words of the Gita and 'let go' -
may be just observe from a distance, remain aloof and not get
too involved. I promise myself to do that and then I forget.
Is that why you are disappointed in me and continue with your
testing as I have not proved myself worthy to be with you?
Death is part of life and thus we should
not be too pained by it, but still when it takes away the
young and innocent and leaves behind the old and suffering, it
is very difficult to accept. It took me a long time to learn
acceptance especially after my son's death, although I know he
is safe with you. You must have loved him very much to have
given him to me for only twenty-eight years, but his memories
I shall cherish always, and although I miss him at times with
great intensity, I am grateful that You gave him to us even
for such a short time.
At times I feel your presence deeply
especially when I sit quietly in the garden after my early
morning walk and revel in the beauty of nature - I know You
are there and yet You are also not there because I want more -
may be I am getting greedy.
Just this morning I accidentally
discovered these thoughts which had remained in obscurity in
my computer for two years. It amazes me that even as I read
through the piece, some answers have revealed themselves to
Three months ago my husband found his
peace after suffering months of agonising
pain. He fought a losing battle against lung cancer. Even
though I had implored you to open your door to me much
earlier, you had barred me entry. Now I understand and send my
humble gratitude for denying me admission. It was necessary
for me to remain here to surround my husband with my physical
and emotional strength to assist him in his long suffering.
You provided me with strength both physical and emotional,
which I did not know I possessed, to tend to his very need.
Now he is safe with you. Have I thus completed my duties?